my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Operation Purity has been aborted
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
