Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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