The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
