it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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