i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
