I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
