My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
