Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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