At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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