we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
