Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
