I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
