Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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