I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
