At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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