You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
