Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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