you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
