im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I was not drunk enough for that final.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
