the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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