just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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