How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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