had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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