my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
