I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
