I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
