Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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