So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
