Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
