I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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