I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
