I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize