i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
