His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The air was thick with penises
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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