I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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