Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
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