we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
