i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
