Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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