To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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