sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
