trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize