im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
