You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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