Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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