rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
