So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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