I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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