my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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