I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
My underwear smells like fireworks.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
