Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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