After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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