11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize