Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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