fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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