Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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