Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
