When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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