You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
