hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
