He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
