Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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