why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
