I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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