if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
