he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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