Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
