Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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