weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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